5 Just Wrong Christmas Songs

Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of some of these Christmas songs? They are weird, creepy, and depressing. No, really! Here are some to show you what I mean! I keep hearing these Christmas songs every year... only, this year I actually started thinking about what they were saying. I'll never look at them the same way again!

Just Wrong Christmas Song #1: We Wish You a Merry Christmas

At first this sounds like such a nice Christmas song. Let's look at the lyrics!

We wish you a Merry Christmas (X3)
Glad tidings to you and all of your kin
Glad tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year

See, now this sounds nice. Singing about wishing you and everyone you are related to, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. That's so NICE! Then the next verse starts.

We want some figgy pudding 
We want some figgy pudding 
We want some figgy pudding
So bring it right here.

I'm not sure what "figgy pudding" is but, why would someone start singing a verse that demands that the person you are singing to, bring you some figgy pudding. That's a little odd... and rude. Why not sing "We love your whiskey bottle, so bring it right here!" Actually, I like that verse better. I am singing my version this year. And then the next verse hits...

We won't go until we get some 
We won't go until we get some 
We won't go until we get some 
So bring it out here!

This is about the time you should quietly shut and dead bolt your door... and call the police... and maybe get a restraining order. Was it normal, during the era when the song was written, for a group of people to go to someone's house, knock on their door, wish them well and then demand food and refuse to leave until they get it? 

WHY would anyone write a song demanding pudding? I imagine a snotty, self-righteous, entitled brat wrote this song. Just guessing there.

Just Wrong Christmas Song #2: Christmas Dinner by Paul Stookey

I heard this song last week and I have too many questions to even know where to start. Let's just go to the lyrics.

And it came to pass on a Christmas evening
While all the doors were shuttered tight
Outside standing, lonely boy-child
Cold and shivering in the night
On the street, every window
Save but one, was gleaming bright
And to this window walked the boy-child
Peeking in saw, candle light

Wait, what? Why is there a boy-child wandering the streets, by himself, obviously under-dressed, during the night? And then he goes and starts peering into windows because of the light? Where are his parents?  

Through other windows he had looked at turkeys
Ducks and geese, cherry pies
But through this window saw a grey-haired lady
Table bare and tears in her eyes

So, this isn't the first window he peered through? How many windows has this peeping Tom looked through? Is this a habit of his?

Into his coat reached the boy-child
Knowing well there was little there
He took from his pocket,
His own Christmas dinner
A bit of cheese, some bread to share
His outstretched hands
Held the food and they trembled
As the door, it opened wide
Said he, Would you share with me Christmas dinner
Gently said she, Come inside

WOAH! WAIT! STOP! What? 

1) I don't care how hungry you are. Would you really eat lint-covered cheese and crusty bread from the pocket of the kid that was just peering through your window? 

2) This kid obviously knows nothing about stranger danger. You don't just go into random strangers houses because they don't have turkey, ducks, geese, or cherry pie. Have you never heard of crazy people? Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean she isn't going to kill you or do something crazy, like lock you in a basement for the next 20 years.

The grey-haired lady brought forth to the table
Glasses two and her last drop of wine
Said she, Here's a toast to everyone's Christmas
And especially, yours and mine

Nice. So now the crazy lady is serving wine to a minor. How's the bread? Assuming it didn't crawl off your plate.

And it came to pass on that Christmas evening
While all the doors were shuttered tight
That in that town, the happiest Christmas
Was shared by candle light

Oh that's just priceless. Get drunk with a kid (who wanders in off the street) with an open flame nearby. Yea, I can't see that going horribly wrong.

Just Wrong Christmas Songs #3 I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

Underneath the mistletoe last night

She didn't see me creep

Down the stairs to have a peep

She thought that I was tucked up

In my bedroom, fast asleep

This is how kids end up in therapy. Seriously. There are two scenarios and neither of them are good.

1) The kid just caught Mommy cheating on Daddy with Santa Clause, of all people! And of course, now he must decide... does he tell on Mommy and Santa and risk getting a huge lump of coal? Or does he keep it quiet and live the rest of his life with the guilt of knowing he witnessed his mom commit adultery?

2) The kid realizes that Mom is really making out with Dad. But then he is going to wonder why in the heck dad is wearing a Santa suit.

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus

Underneath his beard so snowy white

Oh, what a laugh it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night 

Never mind. #2 is out of the question. And why would it have been so funny for Daddy to walk in and witness his wife smooching another man? And mommy tickled Santa under his beard? EW! EW! EW! 

And the kid just stands there watching the whole thing! What is wrong with this kid?

Just Wrong Christmas Song #4 Jingle Bells

Everyone knows the first part of this song. So I am not printing that part. I'll wait while you sing it... Ready? GO!

Now that you have that out of your system, here is the rest of the song.

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side,
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And then we got upsot.

Now that sounds downright Christmas-y! Reckless driving a one-horse open sleigh right into a snow bank with your girlfriend at your side. We should make that scene into Christmas cards!

A day or two ago,
The Story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie
But he quickly drove away

What kind of message is that to send out on Christmas? If you see someone slip and fall on the ice, just laugh at them and drive away. It'll be just fine because you are driving a one-horse open sleigh!

Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song
Just get a bob-tailed bay
Two forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You'll take the lead.

And now he encourages people to do the same thing he just did. Get into a one-horse open sleigh and drive like a bat out of hell! 

What a second? What kind of horse has 240 as his speed? The sleigh would fly apart at those speeds. Sure, you'd take the lead... on the front page of the paper for the gruesomest Christmas crash ever!

Just Wrong Christmas Song #5 Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Even as a kid, this song scared the crap out of me! Especially after I learned about stranger danger. Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of this song? Oh sure, it sounds all fine and innocent until... Well just listen to the lyrics.

You better watch out 
You better not cry 
You better not pout 
I'm telling you why 
Santa Claus is coming to town
He's making a list, 
Checking it twice; 
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town 

Uh, so I can't have an emotional breakdown? Ever? Or just when Santa is coming to town? I can't pout? Not at all? So if I pout, or cry, am I going to be naughty? What if I stub my toe, or hit my head on the cupboard, or cut my thumb with a knife? Does that count as okay to cry? Or am I going on the naughty list?

He sees you when you're sleeping 
He knows when you're awake 
He knows if you've been bad or good 
So be good for goodness sake 

There are laws against this. It's called stalking. I knew a guy that would tell me when I was home and when I wasn't; when I went shopping and when I went to work. A restraining order put a stop to that. 

Are the toys worth it? I mean, really think about it. How bad do you want that GI Joe or Barbie? Bad enough to be stalked by a crazy man who lives by himself and a million elves he works to death in sweat shop? No. I don't. Thanks. I'll just buy my own toys this year.

With little tin horns and little toy drums
Rooty toot toots and rummy tum tums

Santa Claus is coming to town  

Santa's a busy man he has no time to play
He's got millions of stockings to fill on Christmas day

First, this is why I am buying my own toys this year. I don't want tin horns or drums. And he better not give them to my kids! That would be a punishment to me, which I probably deserve for all I got away with as a child. But really, Santa? Your going to give my kid a DRUM?

And the last part is what freaked me out so much. Santa "has no time to play"... When my mom said "I have no time to play!" It was usually said in that "mom voice" and was followed by corner time or a good old-fashioned butt beating.  

This may explain why I got sticks and coal in my stocking that one year... Hmmmm.

3 Easy Ways to Remember Your Deceased Loved Ones this Holiday

If you lost a loved one, the holidays can be a pretty difficult time to go through. There are ways to incorporate them into your holidays and keep their memory alive.

When my first son died, the first Christmas just wasn't as cheerful and nothing really seemed festive. I wanted to celebrate with my son but he wasn't there. Instead, I created traditions for him on the holidays, and Christmas, that make me feel like he isn't forgotten.

Here are some of the things I do to help celebrating without him become more bearable. 

Letters in a Stocking

photo by Jim, the Photographer on Flickr

Hang their stocking anyway! Only this stocking will have a different stuffer. Write a letter to them. It doesn't matter what you write. 

You can spend the entire letter sobbing and telling them how much you miss them. You can tell them about your holiday, the Christmas tree, what you got for presents, what you ate. Write to them like you are going to mail the letter to them. Write a poem to them. Anyone who wants to write to them can join in.

Leave it in there. When the holiday is over and you pack away the stockings, pack their stocking too, letter and all. The next year, do the same thing. You will soon have a stocking diary you can read each year to see the progress you have made in the grieving process. 

Or you can do as my friend did. Each year when she unpacks the decorations. Once she is done decking the halls, she reads the letter from last year and then burns it. She says it is quite cleansing to her soul.

Special Yearly Ornaments

photo by Ben McLeod on Flickr

Buy a special ornament to commemorate each year or just one very special one for them. You can hand-make their ornaments if you like. I usually make a butterfly or a bow to add to our tree since they are symbols of my son, to me. 

Play Santa to Someone in their Honor

From Two Chums website

I never had the chance to buy my son a present for Christmas while he was alive. One year, as I stood staring at an Angel Tree, I noticed a tag for a five year old little boy. He wanted trucks and action figures. My heart melted. 

That year Brandon would have been five and suddenly, I had a great idea! I bought a 5 year old little boy a box of hot wheel cars and an action figure.

Now, whenever I have extra money around the holidays, I either go to the Angel Tree, donate to the nursing home in the area, or find a family who needs a real life Santa (although those years are rare. But SO much fun!) 

I never told the family it was me which makes it more fun. Each family member received a gift (kids get TWO!), then there was a family gift (a movie or a game), and finally, a box of food. Usually enough for a nice breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 

I have only had the chance to play real life Santa for a family a couple of times but, if that doesn't put you in a good mood, nothing will! It is the best feeling EVER! 

But buying a present for a needy child is still wonderful if you can't afford to play Santa to a whole family. Pick one of the Angels on the tree that just calls to you. Or you can look for one that is the same age as your loved one, or gender, or maybe someone who wants something that reminds you of your loved one.

And it wouldn't hurt to buy two presents for the Angel Tree either. That would be a wonderful stocking letter to read the next year!

Here's hoping everyone has a Happy Holidays this year.

What are you making this holiday season?

This last Friday, I posted a question to my readers... "What are you making this holiday season? Or what would you make if you could?" While no one commented on the blog post, I did get five replies through emails and conversations around town.

Here are the results!

7 Quick Crochet Craft Ideas for Holiday Gifts

The holidays are getting closer and you still need a gift for people on your list. Why not crochet something for them? Here is my list of quick things to crochet for holiday gifts.

Quick Crochet Craft #1: Angel Ornament

This cute Angel ornament pattern would be a cute gift for someone. Add a loop at the top or just thread a wire or string to make it ready to hang on a tree.

Quick Crochet Craft #2: Can Cozy

If you have a friend that loves soda (or beer), you could crochet them a cozy to hold their can and keep their hands warm. You can find the pattern here.

Quick Crochet Craft #3: Chain Link Necklace

I love this look! This creative crochet chain link necklace can be made in a lot of colors and would look great to wear!

Quick crochet Craft #4: Sundance Slouch Hat

© Carrie Piper

These hats are pretty stylish right now. I know a lot of teens love the look. The pattern is available as a download through ravelry. 

Quick Crochet Craft #5: Hermione the Unicorn

© 2011 Dawn Toussaint

Look at this! Isn't this just the cutest thing you've ever seen! This pattern is a ravelry download also! Okay, this may not be as quick as the other projects, but how could I pass this up? It's freaking adorable!

Quick Crochet Craft #6: 90 Minute Scarf

from the blog "Craft Disasters and Other Atrocities"

Here is a scarf that only takes 90 minutes to make. Pick two coordinating colors and you'll have a scarf in no time... er, 90 minutes.

Quick Crochet Craft #7: 30 minute hat

from the blog "Craft Disasters and Other Atrocities"

Here is the hat that was designed to go along with the 90 minute scarf. In 2 hours, you can make a hat/ scarf set for a gift!

Homemade Holiday Gifts? What are you making?

I was debating on what to write for today's blog post. I was deciding whether I should share a movie or a game for hang out night when... I realized that this hang out night will be for making things for gifts for the holidays.

So, my question to everyone today is, what is something you are going to make for a gift OR what would you like to make for a gift if you could/ had enough money/ knew how to work a bejeweled machine/ [insert your reason for not making homemade gifts here]? 

You can answer by commenting to this post, or you can email me. I'll let you all know what the answers were in a few days, unless I have a ton of answers... then It'll probably be Sunday.