Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
My hubby made it home safe!
I picked up my hubby from the airport today. On the way I noticed something that I've been paying attention to this last week. I think it is hilarious that people in the city buy these huge trucks or SUV's that could easily drive up stairs, mountainsides and across shallow streams and them avoid every city obstacle there is.
One man was driving a large pick up truck with tires half the size of monster truck tires. He could have easily drove his truck over a curb and never felt it or even a small vehicle with a quizzical "what was that bump?" But watching him drive it down the main road in Coronado had me belly laughing.
Picture this: I am driving down Yuppyville Lane in my roaring beast of a van checking out all the multimillion dollar homes. All these very rich hooty tooty people in Jaguars and Porsche's are near me in traffic. There is a cop ahead and a lot of other nice shiney cars. Even the one that looks like a rolling bread box. As the traffic starts to clear I am toodling along in my wonder beast enjoying the sunshine and breeze.
It came to a point where we could drive at normal speed and along we all drove at all 35 miles per hour, humdy doodly. Along this road there a "speed humps" and speed dips to make sure everyone stays slow. God fobird should a jaywalking pedestrian get hit by a car... any whoodles... I drive over the "speed humps" and slow to 30 over the dips. No biggy.
Then, I hear this rumbling roaring scream of an engine that can only be a monster truck ready to overtake my van. We weren't far from the dip but far enough that Sir Prance-a-lot managed to pass us. I was watching because I figured this monster truck stunt driver wanna be was revving his engine to woo us all in blaze of glory as sped his way through the dips at all of 40 miles per hour. Be still my beating heart.
OH NO! Mr I-have-more-money-than-I-have-balls went flying up and then slowed to about 5 miles an hour to crawl over the bump. I nearly peed myself with laughter. My 13-year-old son was mortified at how much of a wuss this "bad-arse" tatoo'd macho man turned out to be. Instead of AH, we got HA!
The next hump was even better. This faker floors it to the "speed hump", slowed down and went diagonal across the hump. I had to clean my windshield from spit-laughter spray. All I could do was laugh and say "Is this a JOKE?" The man has a vehicle that sits 3 feet off the ground and he's driving diagonal across the hump? What is he afraid of? That the hump might hit the bottom of the truck? It's all of 4 or 6 inches off the ground. Why crawl across the dips? Afraid your shocks might break? Good grief.
Well, today I noticed it again. Another "cool dude" driving an SUV doing the same thing. What is the point of having the really cool "suped up" vehicle if you can't drive it. These SUV's and truck haven't seen dirt their whole life. And that layer of smog ooze grease that develops on the windshields doesn't count!
If you are going to buy a vehicle that is meant to go off road, at least drive it like that on road instead of this prissy tip-toe across the water puddles and carefully climbing over the bumps. While your at it, you might want to avoid that McDonald's straw on the road! It might puncture your gas tank! Shoot, my 1986 Volvo sedan has done more offroading than these guys SUV's ever will!
One man was driving a large pick up truck with tires half the size of monster truck tires. He could have easily drove his truck over a curb and never felt it or even a small vehicle with a quizzical "what was that bump?" But watching him drive it down the main road in Coronado had me belly laughing.
Picture this: I am driving down Yuppyville Lane in my roaring beast of a van checking out all the multimillion dollar homes. All these very rich hooty tooty people in Jaguars and Porsche's are near me in traffic. There is a cop ahead and a lot of other nice shiney cars. Even the one that looks like a rolling bread box. As the traffic starts to clear I am toodling along in my wonder beast enjoying the sunshine and breeze.
It came to a point where we could drive at normal speed and along we all drove at all 35 miles per hour, humdy doodly. Along this road there a "speed humps" and speed dips to make sure everyone stays slow. God fobird should a jaywalking pedestrian get hit by a car... any whoodles... I drive over the "speed humps" and slow to 30 over the dips. No biggy.
Then, I hear this rumbling roaring scream of an engine that can only be a monster truck ready to overtake my van. We weren't far from the dip but far enough that Sir Prance-a-lot managed to pass us. I was watching because I figured this monster truck stunt driver wanna be was revving his engine to woo us all in blaze of glory as sped his way through the dips at all of 40 miles per hour. Be still my beating heart.
OH NO! Mr I-have-more-money-than-I-have-balls went flying up and then slowed to about 5 miles an hour to crawl over the bump. I nearly peed myself with laughter. My 13-year-old son was mortified at how much of a wuss this "bad-arse" tatoo'd macho man turned out to be. Instead of AH, we got HA!
The next hump was even better. This faker floors it to the "speed hump", slowed down and went diagonal across the hump. I had to clean my windshield from spit-laughter spray. All I could do was laugh and say "Is this a JOKE?" The man has a vehicle that sits 3 feet off the ground and he's driving diagonal across the hump? What is he afraid of? That the hump might hit the bottom of the truck? It's all of 4 or 6 inches off the ground. Why crawl across the dips? Afraid your shocks might break? Good grief.
Well, today I noticed it again. Another "cool dude" driving an SUV doing the same thing. What is the point of having the really cool "suped up" vehicle if you can't drive it. These SUV's and truck haven't seen dirt their whole life. And that layer of smog ooze grease that develops on the windshields doesn't count!
If you are going to buy a vehicle that is meant to go off road, at least drive it like that on road instead of this prissy tip-toe across the water puddles and carefully climbing over the bumps. While your at it, you might want to avoid that McDonald's straw on the road! It might puncture your gas tank! Shoot, my 1986 Volvo sedan has done more offroading than these guys SUV's ever will!
Friday, August 08, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Five Conversation Starters to Avoid
I was thinking of ways to start conversations with people like "How are you?" or "I love your shirt!" when Johnny came over to the picnic table and sat down with his new iPhone from Apple.
Conversation starter to avoid #1: Hey, guess what? I dropped my phone out of my bra while I was on the toilet and it fell through my pee stream and into the toilet bowl. It was one of those automatic flushing toilets so I had to sit really still and time it just right so it wouldn't go down the tube! It's totally fried now and I have to get it replaced.
The Alternative: Cool phone. Mine got wet and died. How does that one work?
Then I started thinking about all the conversations that have ever gone wrong in my life. Sometimes it is me who started the conversation and other times it is someone else. I'll leave it up to you to figure out. No posting comments telling on me though!
Conversation starter to avoid #2: Really... So today I went to the bathroom and my poop was green. What gives? Have you ever had green poop before?
This actually started a long conversation about bodily functions and things I never thought I would be talking about to another human being in real life. The best part of this conversation was that we had a great time downing different colors of kool-aid to see if it dyed our poop different colors. It was a lot of fun and lasted about a month. Now why anything dealing with pooping into a toilet and snapping pictures of it when you are done could be considered "fun" is beyond me. But it was. In general, if you find yourself on the topic of the color of your poop with a friend, you've missed a few subjects somewhere along the way. Go back and figure out what they are.
In case you are wondering, purple kool-aid will dye your poop green. Also, Mt Dew pitch black does also. You can try it and email me the results. But if you walk up to me in public and start a conversation about it, I'll pretend to go into convulsions.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #3: Somewhere up there with the color of poop is the scent of your farts. I actually had someone ask me if their farts stunk. Now, if you don't know whether or not your own farts stink, you shouldn't be eating broccoli or drinking beer. But you also shouldn't be allowed to socialize in small closed quarters like a dorm room or a boat. Yes, everyone farts. Yes, the vast majority of them stink, especially the silent ones. No, I don't want to talk about it- unless it is to warn me to vacate the premises or to avoid the bathroom unless I have a gas mask.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #4: I was at a "nice" dinner when they brought out the asparagus with hollandaise sauce. That night I learned a little tidbit from our socially inept friend who announced "No thank you. Asparagus makes my pee stink!" Normal people would have gasped and gone on... but us? We spent the evening scarfing down hoards of asparagus and waiting our turn to use the commode. Once done, we announced the presence or lack thereof, of any "asparagus odor". Some did have the odor and some didn't. I did! I was thrilled! My pee stinks! Thank you! Thank you very much! And now you will never need to bring that up to me in person! You can email those results too.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #5: Oh my! When are you due? For the record... no. I am not pregnant. Nor can I ever be again. I am just really really fat or maybe it's a beer belly. But anyway, I am not having a kid. And no, God hasn't worked a miracle on me and made me his chosen one to carry his special child. BUT, if for some reason you think I am a good candidate for immaculate conception, then thank you oh delusional one!
And now, I must go figure out how my phone is doing. We've rinsed it and dried it but I don't think it's coming back to life. If someone ran me through their pee stream, I think I'd die too.
Conversation starter to avoid #1: Hey, guess what? I dropped my phone out of my bra while I was on the toilet and it fell through my pee stream and into the toilet bowl. It was one of those automatic flushing toilets so I had to sit really still and time it just right so it wouldn't go down the tube! It's totally fried now and I have to get it replaced.
The Alternative: Cool phone. Mine got wet and died. How does that one work?
Then I started thinking about all the conversations that have ever gone wrong in my life. Sometimes it is me who started the conversation and other times it is someone else. I'll leave it up to you to figure out. No posting comments telling on me though!
Conversation starter to avoid #2: Really... So today I went to the bathroom and my poop was green. What gives? Have you ever had green poop before?
This actually started a long conversation about bodily functions and things I never thought I would be talking about to another human being in real life. The best part of this conversation was that we had a great time downing different colors of kool-aid to see if it dyed our poop different colors. It was a lot of fun and lasted about a month. Now why anything dealing with pooping into a toilet and snapping pictures of it when you are done could be considered "fun" is beyond me. But it was. In general, if you find yourself on the topic of the color of your poop with a friend, you've missed a few subjects somewhere along the way. Go back and figure out what they are.
In case you are wondering, purple kool-aid will dye your poop green. Also, Mt Dew pitch black does also. You can try it and email me the results. But if you walk up to me in public and start a conversation about it, I'll pretend to go into convulsions.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #3: Somewhere up there with the color of poop is the scent of your farts. I actually had someone ask me if their farts stunk. Now, if you don't know whether or not your own farts stink, you shouldn't be eating broccoli or drinking beer. But you also shouldn't be allowed to socialize in small closed quarters like a dorm room or a boat. Yes, everyone farts. Yes, the vast majority of them stink, especially the silent ones. No, I don't want to talk about it- unless it is to warn me to vacate the premises or to avoid the bathroom unless I have a gas mask.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #4: I was at a "nice" dinner when they brought out the asparagus with hollandaise sauce. That night I learned a little tidbit from our socially inept friend who announced "No thank you. Asparagus makes my pee stink!" Normal people would have gasped and gone on... but us? We spent the evening scarfing down hoards of asparagus and waiting our turn to use the commode. Once done, we announced the presence or lack thereof, of any "asparagus odor". Some did have the odor and some didn't. I did! I was thrilled! My pee stinks! Thank you! Thank you very much! And now you will never need to bring that up to me in person! You can email those results too.
Conversation Starter to Avoid #5: Oh my! When are you due? For the record... no. I am not pregnant. Nor can I ever be again. I am just really really fat or maybe it's a beer belly. But anyway, I am not having a kid. And no, God hasn't worked a miracle on me and made me his chosen one to carry his special child. BUT, if for some reason you think I am a good candidate for immaculate conception, then thank you oh delusional one!
And now, I must go figure out how my phone is doing. We've rinsed it and dried it but I don't think it's coming back to life. If someone ran me through their pee stream, I think I'd die too.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Now that we're back in business over here...
My blog was shut down by blogger. OOPS! I guess I am not a spam blog after all! SO to answer some questions and get caught up...
Did you know the people at the TVUUC shooting?
Yes. Well, some of them. I knew Jim and I remember Linda. I am deeply sorry for the tragedy. But I hope this sets and example to everyone of could happen if we all acted instead of cowering in fear. Yes, people died, but it could have been more. My condolescences go out to Linda's family and the man that died also (I'm sorry, I don't remember your name). I hope they are remembered for their heroism more than the other guy is remembered for his stupid selfish act. I hope they are honored along with the people who tackled the bastard to the ground.
How did your eye exam go?
What? How do you people know all this? Is there a camera in my dayplanner? Well, the eye exam went fine. I have contacts. The new contacts are different from what they were a few years ago. Before it was rather simple... pull down bottom eyelid, look up, stick contact to eye, look down, close eye... VOILA! Done. Blinking and all, I hardly had a trouble.
Today it went something like this. Unroll lense, pull down down bottom eyelid, go to put contact to eye... cuss a little, unroll contact again, pull down eyelid, put contact to eyeball, look down, see contact protrude at angle. Grab contact, moisten contact. Pull bottom eyelid down, lift top eyelid up, ever so gently put the flipping contact to fricking EYEBALL! Look down, release bottom lid... curse under breath. Peel contact from cheek, clean with solution, pull eyelids open until all you see is eyeball, gently out contact to eyeball, lift finger... nope... gently press contact to eye... damn it! Press contact to eyeball, count to three, lift finger quickly hoping the contact won't notice it's gone, look down, release bottom lid, release top lid... holy cow I think it's *blink* AGH! Gently pick contact from eyelashes... ask assistant what the hell is wrong this mutant contact lense from hell!?
If I had this much trouble the first time I got contacts, I would never have got them. Luckily I got it after a few (HUNDRED) tries. I can see clearly now the rain is gone! I can drive legally too!
I am off to wash laundry now and I am going to try to figure out where the other posts went. I think they got caught in the "spam lockout!"
Til later, Dotchi
Did you know the people at the TVUUC shooting?
Yes. Well, some of them. I knew Jim and I remember Linda. I am deeply sorry for the tragedy. But I hope this sets and example to everyone of could happen if we all acted instead of cowering in fear. Yes, people died, but it could have been more. My condolescences go out to Linda's family and the man that died also (I'm sorry, I don't remember your name). I hope they are remembered for their heroism more than the other guy is remembered for his stupid selfish act. I hope they are honored along with the people who tackled the bastard to the ground.
How did your eye exam go?
What? How do you people know all this? Is there a camera in my dayplanner? Well, the eye exam went fine. I have contacts. The new contacts are different from what they were a few years ago. Before it was rather simple... pull down bottom eyelid, look up, stick contact to eye, look down, close eye... VOILA! Done. Blinking and all, I hardly had a trouble.
Today it went something like this. Unroll lense, pull down down bottom eyelid, go to put contact to eye... cuss a little, unroll contact again, pull down eyelid, put contact to eyeball, look down, see contact protrude at angle. Grab contact, moisten contact. Pull bottom eyelid down, lift top eyelid up, ever so gently put the flipping contact to fricking EYEBALL! Look down, release bottom lid... curse under breath. Peel contact from cheek, clean with solution, pull eyelids open until all you see is eyeball, gently out contact to eyeball, lift finger... nope... gently press contact to eye... damn it! Press contact to eyeball, count to three, lift finger quickly hoping the contact won't notice it's gone, look down, release bottom lid, release top lid... holy cow I think it's *blink* AGH! Gently pick contact from eyelashes... ask assistant what the hell is wrong this mutant contact lense from hell!?
If I had this much trouble the first time I got contacts, I would never have got them. Luckily I got it after a few (HUNDRED) tries. I can see clearly now the rain is gone! I can drive legally too!
I am off to wash laundry now and I am going to try to figure out where the other posts went. I think they got caught in the "spam lockout!"
Til later, Dotchi
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